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Behaviour change can be a bit*h sometimes.

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You’re stuck making choices that you know you would rather not make.

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You want to change but are both scared of failing and not too sure how to actually go about it.

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Then you finally choose to change…

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A few weeks, months go by and then…

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You slip up and go back to your old ways.

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Years later you’re no further than when you set out.

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You’re still at square one…

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How is it that after all this time, with all that knowledge, and all that effort, you’ve managed to end up right back where you started (or nowhere near as far ahead as you could be)?

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It all comes down to one word…

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Which we’ll get to shortly.

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Back Story

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I’ve had my fair share of experience with the old one step forwards, three steps back…

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Smoking weed on and off (until I finally quit).

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Being a sugar fiend (until I finally quit that too)

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Tobacco, vapes, porn, sleeping in… you name it.

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I would always say “no more!” Only to then break my promise a few hours or a day later.

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Such continual breaking of your personal word is debilitating.

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This is the surest way to destroy your confidence and self-belief…

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Lying to yourself again and again…

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I remember going 9 months without smoking weed when I was around 24.

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I had been struggling a lot with the addiction, so much so that I got utterly bored and fed up of always craving and needing to get high.

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This sense of getting bored and fed up lead to a decision to stop altogether.

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Cold turkey, no playing around, and for how long? I wasn’t exactly sure.

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9 whole months went by and I didn’t bat an eyelid.

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It was as though I didn’t need will-power.

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The decision had been made…

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I was fed up with getting high.

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I’d never gone so long without getting high before!

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Have you ever experienced this phenomenon before?

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You fight with yourself for so long, struggling to make the change you desire through will-power and force.

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When eventually you get so tired of your own bull shi* and in that moment, the change comes effortlessly?

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It’s as though you don’t need will-power any more right?

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You’re not fighting with yourself because you’re not one foot in and one foot out.

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You’re not half heartedly “trying to quit”.

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You quit… full stop.

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At least… for a long while.

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Amazed at the progress I had made, I thought of the most logical, intelligent idea.

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“Why don’t I treat myself to some weed after all this hard work?”

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Great!

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There I went…

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“Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this” my conscience said.

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“It’ll be fine, we’ll just have one smoke and that’s it”, said the other side of my psyche.

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Literally… I kid you not…

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One puff later and I was hooked worse than ever before.

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It’s as though I was punished for being ungrateful for the fact that I had been “allowed” 9 months of strength.

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I chose to sabotage it instead of being grateful and maintaining the positive change.

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And oh how terribly I fell into addiction after that.

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Nearly 3 whole years of smoking day after day.

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3 joints a day, 5 joints a day, 10 joints a day and more!

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Allah… Forgive me for the adolescent I was back then.

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I knew not that gratitude is spoken through actions, not words.

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That freedom is in discipline, not indulgence…

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The most disappointing thing about it is seeing someone who stayed more consistent than you did and how far they’ve come compared to you.

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“That could have been me!” You might think (I certainly did).

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“Don’t compare yourself to others” they say…

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But we’re all doing it.

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Life IS a competition.

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And that doesn’t have to be in some dog eat dog way.

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It can be like playing a game and striving to reach the top of the leaderboards.

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So… how did I finally quit smoking weed, tobacco, vaping, watching porn, eating refined sugar and so on?

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Well…

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The truth is that “I” didn’t do it.

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Repentance & A Call For Divine Intervention

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I full heartedly believe that Allah was the one who did it.

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He is The One. The Cause of All Causes. The King of Kings. The Source of All Creation.

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And yes, I did have to play my role too…

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But non of the positive changes would have been possible without Allah’s intervention.

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I can tell you that with full certainty.

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At my lowest, most desperate state I was utterly powerless to my own cravings.

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It was truly as though I was not in control of my own choices.

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Like something would take over and hi-jack my mind…

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One moment I would swear not to buy any more weed.

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The next moment I would be giddily smiling, pursuing a fresh back with excitement.

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“I think I’m possessed” I thought to myself.

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Who knows…

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Maybe that was the case.

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Either way, I took that as my cue to see how behaviour change in some cases is not a psychological process.

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It is a spiritual war.

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“Allah! Snatch away this addiction from my life. No matter how much I clutch, take it away from me and bring me back to a life that is good!”

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I cried out in desperation.

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Without hope, without faith, without drive to live…

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“If you are real, then please help me through this!” I somewhat begged.

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And that was the beginning of a dramatic shift.

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Things started to change rapidly.

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I began repenting and asking for Allah to forgive me

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For all the time, energy and resources I had selfishly wasted on worshipping my desires.

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For all the attempted escapes from reality instead of being grateful for the here and now.

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For how it would have made my mother feel, seeing me destroy myself.

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For how I might have influenced others poorly in being an addict.

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And for how I had been disingenuous spending time with people just for free smoke.

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I repented and allowed sincere tears to flow from my eyes.

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For all the damage I had caused to myself, others and potentially my destiny.

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Those tears watered the seed of change within my heart.

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They began to polish to mirror or my soul.

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Priming me for the change of a lifetime.

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The month of Ramadan was round the corner.

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“This is my chance to rid myself of this habit once and for all”

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Keep in mind that I had not fasted in Ramadan for almost 3 years at that point.

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And I had not been practicing Islam for even longer!

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How liberated I thought that rebellion would have made me.

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But oh how enslaved I was…

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4 weeks of deep, intentional fasting later, having been fully re-immersed into the Islamic community I felt freer than ever.

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Until Ramadan ended…

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Now the real test began.

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How was I going to keep up the change?

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What if I went back and destroyed my hard earned progress yet another time?

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There was no way I was going to allow that to happen.

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The addiction, before Ramadan had developed until such a possessive demon that I was suffering greater than I ever had in my whole life before.

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I was truly considering voluntary death as the only escape.

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After my cry for help and the blessed month of Ramadan I had been given another chance!

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“I can’t screw this up” I thought to myself.

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(If there’s one thing you take from the section you just read, it’s the importance of repentance in long term behaviour change)

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Know Your Nightmare

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The mere thought of falling back to where I was before, suicidal, self-loathing, purposeless and without drive for life was both disgusting and terrifying.

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Have you ever head about the experiment with rats that showed how all living organisms are more driven to move away from pain than towards pleasure?

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If cheese was placed before the rat, it would move towards it of course. This is being driven by pleasure.

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But if from behind the rat, the smell of a cat was presented, the rat would move with utmost urgency.

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The difference between the two was significant.

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We are more driven by the avoidance of fear than the pursuit of pleasure.

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Consider that for a moment.

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This is contrary to popular belief…

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What it means is that fear is not such a bad thing after all.

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We need fear, and you could even go as far as to say that fear has a benefit.

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And what is that benefit?

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Instilling within you the power of drive.

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Let’s say you only got 1 hour of sleep last night.

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If your boss expects you in at work come the morning, you will be there regardless.

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Why? Because there is a consequence awaiting you if you don’t show up.

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In other words, there is a pain you wish not to experience and that aversion drives you.

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Alternatively, let’s say you promised yourself that you would go to the gym come the morning.

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You were able to enjoy a luxurious 8 hours of sleep.

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But you fail to get up, you want to sleep more, it’s your day off work…

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The pain of not going to the gym (your own disappointment) is not as great as being sacked from your job and losing your livelihood.

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Therefore it is not enough (in most cases) to get you out of bed.

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That is however…

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If you have not clarified your nightmare.

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If you struggle with self-accountability you need to know this.

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There is an outcome you fear experiencing more than anything in this world.

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For me, at that time it was falling back into oblivion and feeling suicidal again.

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That fear still to this day ensures that I don’t smoke weed again, along with the acceptance and understanding that I simply can not handle one spliff…

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I’ve experienced it enough to know that the addiction will just kick right back in as it has countless times before.

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Another nightmare I have, that turns my face into an expression of disgust when I think about it is to arrive at age 40 and still be working for another man.

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Not just that, but a man that doesn’t treat me with respect.

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The standard, ignorant boss.

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I can not stand the thought of such an outcome.

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The disgust and repulsion I feel from such a potential future drives me into action.

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So… what possible futures do you feel serious fear or disgust towards?

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What is your nightmare (you can have more than one) that is going to push you into action or prevent you from falling backwards?

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Action step: Write a list of 1-3 nightmares. These are the least desirable outcomes that could possibly come true during your life. 

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Tip: Be specific and make sure they turn your face into an expression of disgust when you think of them

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The Power of Decision

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There is nothing more draining to one’s will-power than indecision.

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It is quite literally is if one foot is on the accelerator while the other is on the break.

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This creates internal friction and heat that can even manifest into physical illness, particularly within the gut.

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Time and time again I experience this phenomenon, and the liberation that comes with “just making the decision”.

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For years I wanted to clean up my food relationship.

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I haven’t binge eaten in over 3 years but until recently I was still eating one or more chocolate bars a day, putting sugar in my tea and indulging a bit too frequently.

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The pain I wished to avoid was not related to bodyweight. I train a lot, and so getting really fat just doesn’t happen.

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It was the body acne that started flaring up eventually.

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Back and chest acne can be seriously uncomfortable.

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This is something that started when I was 18.

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I’m 30 now and it’s still a problem?

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This was a trigger for the sense of feeling pissed off that so often leads to great change.

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“Enough is enough" I said.

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“I’ve struggled with this for too long.”

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“I’m going to solve it once and for all.”

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“I’m going to finally get disciplined around what I eat”

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Alhamdulillah, it’s been over 3 weeks and I haven’t had any refined sugar or processed foods!

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All natural, home cooked, hand made goodness.

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Before making the decision once and for all (which was lead by the purpose of becoming the best version of myself and solving the skin acne issue), my teeth would itch if I went half a day without sugar.

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It was a problem and trying to quit felt unrealistic, unattainable and intimidating.

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Is that what I have experienced?

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Absolutely not.

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It has been easy if anything.

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Why?

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Because I finally made the decision.

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I’m not just telling you this because I’m grateful to God and proud of myself.

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I’m telling you because I want to emphasise the word decision.

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I don’t think most people understand what this word really means.

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It means to eliminate all other options.

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No plan B, C, D or Z.

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Just plan A…

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That’s it.

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All in.

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Do or die.

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That is a decision…

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To cut away all possible alternatives.

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To commit with 100% conviction and dedication, no matter what challenges arise.

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In fact, making big decisions takes into account that there will be obstacles and challenges, but no matter what the commitment will remain.

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In a sense, I did not just decide to quit refined sugar.

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I decided that no matter how much I wanted it, I would not give in.

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The same was true for smoking weed.

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When you truly make the decision to do something, you don’t need will-power. This is true for both small and large decisions.

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Action step: Start reflecting on your current ability or inability to make decisions. Notice how much will-power it drains to be indecisive. Journal on this.

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How To Make The Decision

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There are many ways to do this but I’m going to just give you the few that I have found most success with.

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I’ll also provide real examples from my life so you understand the context.

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Crisis Point - The first, most undesirable, impractical way to make decisions is to ignore the call of your conscience for so long that you are eventually forced to listen.

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You know what I’m talking about.

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There’s a change you know you need to make.

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Or something you know you must do which you are avoiding.

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The longer you leave it, the worse it’s going to get.

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At some moment you will reach crisis point.

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That is the point of deepest suffering.

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The point where the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of making a change.

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If change would be less painful (the easier option) than staying the same, you’ll surely choose it.

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Consequential Awareness - The next method for decision making is far more intelligent.

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It does not require waiting until the absolute peak of pain before making a change.

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This is done through holding both a compelling vision for the future and (as previously mentioned) a frightening, disgusting, gut dropping nightmare to keep in mind.

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If you’re serious enough about becoming the person you know you were created to be…

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AND you’re scared enough of experiencing the regret that would come with not fulfilling that purpose…

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This is adequate and sufficient fuel for drastic behaviour change.

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If you’re not inspired to be better, you don’t have a big enough nor clear enough dream.

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Conversely, if you don’t know you dream, then you better get to know your nightmare.

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The practice here is in bringing both the vision (dream) and nightmare to the front of your mind frequently.

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This can be done through visualisation, journalling, speaking about it with others or simple pondering.

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When you find the right balance between the push of your nightmare and pull of your dream, you will spring into the change you’ve been waiting to make.

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Constructive Alliance - The third approach to making big, life-changing, behaviour change decisions is one I underestimated for so long.

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I used to think this method was lame and even called it “gay”.

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What is it?

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Partnering up with somebody close to you who holds similar dreams and goals.

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I’m nearly 4 weeks in to completely re-shaping the way I eat and fuel my body through this approach.

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I haven’t had the slightest refined sugar, nor have I consumed any junk “non-foods”.

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Previously I mentioned suffering with body-acne and realising this with nutrition related, remember?

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The decision to eat only clean and natural foods was finally made when I called up a dear friend who I knew wanted the same and asked him if he would get serious about this with me

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We met up, sat down, had a serious conversation about our intentions for wanting to make this change.

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Then we laid it all out on paper, creating a strategy around what foods were allowed and what “foods” were not.

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And finally, the undeniably most important aspect of the alliance was to agree upon a consequence or punishment for breaking our word.

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What is the consequence we are still holding ourselves accountable through?

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“Whoever consumes refined sugar, bread, rice, pasta, refined junk foods or anything that is not within the plan, must shave their beard off clean!”

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Funny right…

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But incredibly effective.

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Why?

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Because for me and him both, that is a “very much” undesirable outcome.

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I will not shave my beard through the pride of both being a muslim and a man.

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I can not remember the last time I was clean shaven.

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How feminising it would be to shave my face clear of all hair.

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Not going to happen…

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Forge an alliance with someone you know you wants to overcome the same challenge you’re facing.

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Plan out a clear, detailed strategy, and agree upon a sickening, commonly undesirable consequence.

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Summary

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Will power is never the problem.

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Sure… will-power is a thing, a resource that is finite that can be increased through using it.

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A self regenerating fuel you could say.

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Yet… the reason you feel you need so much of it, or lack any of it is simply because you are lacking decision making power.

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Perhaps decision making IS what requires will.

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See it like this.

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Use your will to make decisions, not choices.

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The choice to not smoke today but to smoke another day is not absolute.

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The decision not to smoke is to say good bye once and for all, and to never go back.

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That can be for a defined period of time (30 days, 3 months, 1 year) or it can be indefinite.

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You have to know yourself.

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This can only be so through experience.

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In my case I know that if I smoke the tiniest bit of weed on purpose, I’ll be right back on the downward spiral of addiction.

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My experience has shown me this no matter how strong I thought I was.

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I will not risk sabotaging who I have built myself into for what… a one time high?

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I’m not even interested in getting high at all any more because I’ve gone so long without it and built a love for clear headedness.

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Know yourself…

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Then decide according to the truth.

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Not what you wish or hope for.

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You have to be dead honest with yourself.

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Well done for reading this far.

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Take a second to read through my current offerings.

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Alpha Mind - Learn to master your mind for bulletproof concentration, focus and unshakeable inner-peace with this self-lead course (click here)

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The Unchained Method - Break the chains of self-destructive behaviour patterns and become the person you most admire through 1:1 personalised coaching, so you can give that person to the world. (Learn more here)

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5 Element Yoga System - Establish the daily habit of mindful movement for health, longevity and serenity of mind with this self-lead course. (Learn more here)

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Free Offerings:

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The Mastery Letter: Get your mind blown weekly and read the things about my personal life, discoveries and experiences I don’t share anywhere else ever Thursday at 6:30pm (sign up free)

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Habit Tracker: Download you free self accountability system. Track your habits and stay consistent in positive behaviour change. (download here)

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With that being said.

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Have a great week.

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Stay sharp.

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And stay blessed.

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@usman_unchained

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