For the first time in your life you’ve finally managed to find a girl that actually likes you back!

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“Good morning babe, hope you slept well. Have an amazing day! Haha”, messages like this become a part of your non-negotiable morning routine.

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You’ve got work to do, it’s late, you should be fast asleep in bed but you’re up late speaking to her.

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The voice notes are getting longer and longer, and it’s starting to turn into some sort of podcast exchange.

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“This is so great! We have so much in common!” - you think to yourself.

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Until one day, she says something you don’t quite agree with, and you tell her the honest truth.

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Two blue ticks, but no reply.

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“Why isn’t she responding?!” You start to think.

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“Oh no, did I upset her? What if I’ve turned her off? What if she doesn’t like me any more?”

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10 times, 20 times, 30 times… you can’t even count how many times you’ve checked your phone now, anxiously awaiting her response.

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“Maybe what I said made her mad? I should message her again”…

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“Lol, just kidding haha”, you say, projecting somewhat of a non-serious, playful energy while in reality, your heart is thumping through your chest.

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Still… no… reply.

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Your heart starts to sink and worst case scenarios start playing through your mind.

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“F*ck it, there’s no point. I’m never going to find someone. I’m just going to focus on myself and prioritise my relationship with God. Nothing else matters”

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You feel a terrible sense of guilt for having abandoned yourself.

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For having given so much of your valuable peace away all in your desire for that particular person.

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“Astaghfirullah” - (Allah forgive me), you utter in repentance.

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The obsession with this girl took all your energy away from your religion, work, purpose, health and personal development journey.

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And so you get back on track.

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Then all of a sudden…

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“Ding!”, your phone goes off.

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It’s her.

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“Omg sorry I was away with my family!” Starts off a huge thread of responses to your message.

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She doesn’t seem offended or upset at all.

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There’s no bad energy between you too.

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She still likes you enough to respond to your message!

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The relief you feel is like that of an addict who finally gets his fix of crack after scouring through bins walking the streets or hours!

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You sigh with a deep exhale…

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And instead of getting back to her, you leave her unread.

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For if you were to reply back to her so quickly, she might ignore you and that’ll lead to the same cycle of pain yet again.

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You feel powerful knowing that she’s waiting for your reply.

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Like you’re finally desired, good enough, worthy and attractive to another human being, which is something you can’t say you’ve experienced much at all throughout your life.

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Finally you decide to reply to her long messages.

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Conversation sparks up again.

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Life is worth living now!

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Until…

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Two blue ticks and no response?

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This cycle goes on and on until you finally have had enough.

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You haven’t even asked for her hand in marriage but it’s definitely been on your mind.

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The problem is however that this cycle is so painful that you’re starting to consider whether or not family life is really worth it.

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Perhaps marriage isn’t meant for you.

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Maybe you’re not meant to be in a long term relationship.

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Maybe you’re supposed to be a monk, a hermit, a recluse or someone who contributes so much to the world?

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You’re starting to honestly consider the celibate life and possibility of dying alone, at peace and at one with Allah.

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Although it seems as though your intention for wanting “The Lone Wolf Life” is “enjoying your own company” or having a “massive mission to work on”, it dawns on you that in truth, your resistance to relationship comes from how painful it usually is.

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Overthinking, overanalysing, bugging out every time you don’t get a reply in 5 minutes or less.

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It’s just too draining…

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You would rather avoid such relationships altogether and live a simpler, solo life.

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But here’s the thing…

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Although you’re big into personal development you’re missing something.

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Personal development has become your comfort zone.

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You’re most familiar with going hard in working on yourself.

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Intimate relationship is where you experience most challenge and pain.

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And so your “Monk Mode” turns out to just be an avoidance tactic.

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It’s a coping strategy for not being able to handle the pain of overthinking, anxiously awaiting replies, repeatedly wondering whether or not the person who likes you has been turned off due to a WhatsApp message or conversation that involved you simply being honest and expressive…

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Tell me…

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If self improvement is all about getting out of your comfort zone, is it not then the best “self improvement move” to expose yourself to such relationships instead of shielding your heart?

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Does growth not reside in the cave you least wish to enter? That being, the cave of intimate relationship?

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Then I must ask you…

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What is the “true reason” behind your tiresome withdrawal from the world?

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Why are you “really” focusing on your healing and growth?

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Is it in honesty so you can grow?

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Or is it rather an attempt to keep yourself safe from the biggest pain you find so hard to handle…

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The pain of love.

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The battlefield of hearts.

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The place where you can no longer hide your fears, insecurities and self-doubts.

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Everything I’ve said until now is a projection of my own direct experience.

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I have been “that anxious, avoidant guy” around relationship for too long…

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Self improvement is my comfort zone.

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And I often use spiritual and personal development as excuses for not inviting a marriage partner into my life.

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It has however, recently dawned on me the reality of this behaviour pattern.

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Until now I have been utterly afraid of love.

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Why?

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It turns out that all this time I’ve had an anxious attachment style.

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And you might have one too.

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‍What is Anxious Attachment?

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Attachment simply defined is “the fear of loss”.

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Sure, this is a completely natural aspect of human nature.

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When you desire or care for something greatly you wish not to lose it.

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With that being said however, let’s consider The Buddha’s wisdom for a moment:

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“Attachment is the root to all suffering” - he said.

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Consider for a moment whether this is true or not by reflecting on your life.

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Does attachment and the fear of loss not cause you so much unnecessary pain?

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Perhaps you get anxious about losing your job when you’re running late, losing someone you like when the thought of having a difficult conversation arises, or leaving behind the people you care dearly about in order to pursue your dreams and callings…

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Does the fear of loss serve a positive purpose in such contexts?

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Or does it hinder the true, authentic expression of who are you are?

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Does attachment make you a better version of yourself?

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Or does it prevent you from being the person you know you were made to be, and living the life you actually dream of living.

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Most often it is the latter.

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Anxious attachment manifests not only in relationship but that is what we’re going to be exploring.

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If you find yourself:
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• Repeatedly overthinking when someone doesn’t reply to your message
• Scared to be your honest, true self, afraid that others will lose interest in you
• Deciding that relationships are “not for you” and choosing “The Lone Wolf Life” instead
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Then the chances are high that you have an anxious attachment style.

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The first two points above are quite clearly anxious in nature.

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Fear is the dominant emotion that arises in such situations and compulsive behaviour follows.

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“Why isn’t she responding to my message?”

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Or “Why hasn’t he got back to me?”

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You check your messages repeatedly like a drug addict, stressing out until you finally see “typing…” or “recording audio…”

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You sigh with relief because you finally got your fix.

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Fix of what exactly?

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Validation.

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And validation of what precisely?

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Validation that this person likes you, and that you are still a likeable human being.

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This is problematic however.

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For if someones response to your message (or something along these lines) is enough for you to feel as though you’re un-likeable as a person, you’re going to experience a lot of unnecessary pain in relationships, whether romantic or not.

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You’ll be so easily manipulated by your own need to be approved of by others, that you will even betray your own core values in order to win them over.

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This is… “The Anxious People Pleaser”

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Anxious Avoidance 

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The last point from the bullet list above is more subtle in its destructive capacity.

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The fear of loss is so great that rather than get into relationships and live in constant anxiety, you prefer to avoid the possibility of such a situation altogether.

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On the outside you present a confident, secure sense of self-esteem.

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You might even be majorly into personal development and expanding your comfort zone.

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Sure, this gives you confidence and you become a professional “Lone Wolfer”.

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But you’re lonely…

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You long for a functioning, beautiful family or marriage, yet you’re too afraid of being an anxious mess.

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The anxiety has caused you so much pain in the past that you’re now unconsciously avoiding relationships altogether, while presenting the facade that it’s all in the name of self improvement.

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My friend…

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This has been a recent realisation for myself personally, quite literally as I’m writing this letter.

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I’ve lived my life like this for years.

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Perhaps since my last committed relationship (which was not halal, may Allah forgive me)

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And right now if I’m truly honest with you as a fellow follower, I’m in a situation where that could very well happen again.

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But I won’t let it…

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And neither should you.

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Have the difficult conversation where you discuss whether or not you and the person you’re interested in are actually right for one another.

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Do not allow the pattern of avoiding uncomfortable situations manifest here.

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If you’re into getting out your comfort zone, here’s the catch…

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You might be taking cold showers, exposing yourself to physical discomfort and forging a strong character to some regard.

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But when considering the emotional comfort zone, you’re still very much playing it safe.

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On an emotional self improvement level, you’re playing like a weakling.

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And if you’re truly honest with yourself you might come to realise that the next phase of your evolution isn’t in “Lone Wolfing”.

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It’s in putting your heart on the line.

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If those words just made you contract, that’s even more confirmation that it is true.

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You must be willing to experience emotional pain.

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If you’re avoidant of the anxiety you’ve suffered so much, you’ll avoid the situations you are actually longing for.

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The family, the love, the companionship…

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None of it will be yours, and it will have all been due to the fear of loss, masked as stoic disinterest and focusing on yourself.

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Where Did This All Start?

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Well, as the well known book is titled… “It didn’t start with you”.

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An anxious/ avoidant attachment style is rooted in childhood trauma or a seriously painful, adverse experience you may have had any time before now.

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But that’s not all…

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We inherit these patterns from our parents.

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And our parents inherited them perhaps from their parents too!

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What I’m saying is, this pattern you’re struggling with…

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It started long before you were born.

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The fear of losing love or going from feeling liked back to un-liked most probably goes back to your childhood (like with all trauma patterns).

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Let me ask you a question…

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When do you remember feeling un-likeable?

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Was there a moment in your life where you felt intensely rejected?

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Did that experience perhaps lead you to feeling as though you were unworthy in some way?

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Unworthy of love, unworthy of friends, or unworthy of others’ approval?

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Whatever the specifics may be, there is some time from your past that has most definitely lead to an Anxious Attachment style.

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It is your duty to find out where this leads back to.

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To understand the stories you’re telling yourself (about yourself) that are not true.

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For of course you are worthy. And not through doing anything special or achieving anything particularly grand…

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You are worthy simply because you are here.

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Safety Is What You’re Looking For

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What I’ve noticed through analysing myself and reflecting on my experiences is that Anxious Attachment, the fear of being disliked, or the fear of losing a love you grown to value are rooted in a sense of feeling unsafe.

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What do I mean by this?

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Let’s say for example you have a friend or intimate companion and the relationship is one you really enjoy and value.

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One day, in conversation this person does or says something you don’t completely agree with.

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Perhaps it even offended you or left you feeling disrespected.

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Maybe there were lines crossed unknowingly.

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Now, in such a situation you could do one of two things.

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1- Let your boundaries be crossed, say nothing, “keep the peace” and guarantee that there will be no difficult communication or conflict

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2- Speak what is true and let the person know what bothered you, how it made you feel and that you just feel it’s important not to hold what you’re feeling inside

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The first option is a standard case of Anxious people pleasing.

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You avoid conflict and call it “keeping the peace” when really it keeps no peace at all.

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It causes you great pain and suffering…

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And in the long run, resentment will accumulate and this will severely damage the relationship you have grown to love and value so much.

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The second option is the game changer.

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This means speaking up and expressing your authentic self.

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Listen, you don’t have to do this in a violent way…

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It doesn’t have to result in a fight, argument or a separation.

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In fact, being openly honest and showing a willingness to have difficult conversations is absolutely key in building strong relationships.

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When you show a person that you’re willing to have difficult conversations, it creates a sense of safety for expression and honesty, which are the centre of all successful relationships.

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I know this for sure from my own personal experience.

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When somebody I am very close to is unable to navigate the tides of a difficult communication, it damages my trust in that person and I feel distance is created between our hearts.

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However when I and another person show an equal willingness to navigate the tides of difficult conversation, I am brought so much closer to them.

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Our personal opinions or personalities may differ, but our hearts have been brought closer.

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This is true in the case of romantic and platonic relationships.

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It is paramount that you feel safe in your relationships.

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Safe to know that if you tell the truth and express your authentic self, this “friend” or “romantic companion” will not get up and leave.

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The belief that they “will leave” again, roots back to childhood experience where perhaps you were open, honest, vulnerable or authentic and did not have it received well.

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Perhaps it even majorly offended someone.

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Maybe you were consistently gaslit in the past, manipulated or invalidated, which left you feeling as though your authentic thoughts and feelings did not matter.

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You may have learned that it is not safe to be authentic, because that leads to arguments, conflict, hurting others or even being victim to violence.

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This is why it’s so important to increase our emotional intelligence for one another.

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When you can accept and hear the hard truth from others, you allow them to feel safe being with you and expressing their authentic selves.

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When you’re riddled in judgement and hyper-sensitivity, arrogance and egotism, the opposite is what happens.

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The same works in the other direction.

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When you find those who can hear the hard truth or are willing to listen to you as you try to figure out how to put your feelings into words, you begin healing The Anxious Attachment style

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Why?

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Because you begin to stack evidence that says “I am safe to express my authentic self”.

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The cost of not doing this healing work is an avoidant, lonely life.

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You may have friends and plenty of relationships, but you will feel dissatisfied and disconnected, for instead of being your “authentic self”, you will choose to be the person you “think” others want you to be…

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All for the fear of conflict, being disliked, losing love, and feeling unsafe

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Relationship Is The Only Way

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There is no other way to do this healing other than engaging in relationship.

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Protecting yourself in solitude or living “The Lone Wolf Life” will only take you so far.

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Eventually you have to accept (just as I have), that personal development can become a comfort zone of its own.

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This just goes to show that emotional pain far exceeds physical pain…

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You’re human, it’s ok…

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If you recognise yourself in what I’ve written today, then please hear the message.

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Isolating yourself won’t solve anything.

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It will only result in a deeper sense of loneliness.

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You have to step on to the battlefield of love.

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That means you’re going to get hurt.

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That means you might be involved in hurting others.

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But most importantly, it means that you get to experience the magic, the beauty, and the treasure of building loving relationships that are supportive of authentic, honest, vulnerable communication.

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Such relationships are an avenue towards God.

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Why? Because, particularly in the context of romantic relationship, man and woman come together in unity.

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The romantic relationship will heal you if you show up as your authentic self.

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By being authentic and allowing others to be also, you heal each other and grow closer to God.

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Fear no longer rules your life.

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You finally feel safe, and secure in your relationships

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Summary / Offerings

‍

I hope this was helpful and…

‍

If you’ve read all the way until this point, you’re a very rare gem.

‍

So before you go, here are some things I want to offer you.

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Book A Free Coaching Call - If you’re tired of taking one step forwards and three steps back on your discipline journey, and want to become the version of you that you most admire, here’s how I’m doing that for myself and can help you do it too. (Learn more here)

‍

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Free Stuff:

‍

The Mastery Letter: I write a new letter every week. If you’re not already, sign up here so you don’t miss the next issue. (Remember to check your junk/ spam folder) (Sign up here)

‍

Habit Tracker: I struggled with self-accountability for so long until I started using this simple, free tool. (Download here)

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You have my gratitude for taking the time to read all the way until the end.

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You truly are a special one.

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As always, I wish you well.

‍

Take action, knowledge without implementation is useless.

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Stay sharp

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