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Is there a need for me to preface this writing with a painting of the picture illustrating the lonely place our world has degraded into?
Perhaps today our world has more has more people than ever before…
We are densely packed into cities and neighbourhoods, yet feel more lonely than ever.
It is safe to say that regardless of the quantity of people within a particular domain, there is no guarantee for established connection.
Have you ever found yourself situated in a room full of people yet ridden with an utter sense of loneliness?
Evident it is that loneliness is not a by-product of the absence of people in one’s life, but rather in the absence of connection and relating to such people.
As a child I felt incredibly lonely…
Like an outsider within my own family unit.
Why?
Because I struggled to feel as though anyone truly understood me.
I know in this I am not alone.
Do any of us really understand one another?
What is there to understand?
Does familiarity with the personalities of others grant an authentic sense of connection?
Or is this only treading on the surface?
What composes the essence of a human being?
What is that which runs through each and every one of us living organisms that unifies the collective?
The journey has been long, both painful and beautiful.
What I currently know is that there is more to the living than external or even personalistic appearances.
Something immaterial.
Beyond form, beyond name, beyond words…
And with that being said, although words can not do justice to that which I am referring, please allow me to explore the topic of world-wide loneliness…
For I wish to use these words as signalling signposts, pointing you and I to that which is both real and necessary…
If we are to remedy and fulfil the voids we all seem to be feeling.
So called ‘advanced’ technologies lay within our pockets, homes, streets and work-places.
Connection is said to be more available than ever before.
But is it really?
I visited my Father recently and witnessed something which cast a cloud of sadness over my head.
Several people all within one room or household, all with their heads down with attention upon smart-phones, while the TV played in the background.
We look into screens as though we are expecting to find something there.
Reaching out into the external, attempting to satiate something rather internal.
As technology has advanced over the years, it is apparent that we are in fact less connected as human beings than ever.
It may be so that communications are rapid and one can share snapshots of experience with others in a flash…
But in all of this sharing is there anything truly being shared?
Or are we only adding more and layers to that which separates us from one another?
Surely you have experienced this before.
Sitting in front of the TV is now considered quality family-time.
Yet there is in truth no quality here.
Do we know each other?
Can we look one another in the eye?
Are we not more comfortable communicating with one another via the use of a technological medium than we are in real, face-to-face contact?
All relationships require at some point a partaking in difficult communication.
For all relationships are tested with time and context.
If we refuse to face up to the discomfort that comes with real relating, then what is there to say for the survival of any meaningful relationship?
To look each other in the eye.
To combine both verbal and non-verbal communication, in person as opposed to through a screen or via the transmutation of radio-waves…
This is how we can honestly and truly relate with one another.
It is the absence of this more natural style of communication and intimacy that the loneliness epidemic stems from.
We would much rather choose what is easy over that which is right and necessary.
Such brings an invitation for those few of us who are willing to connect back to the real.
To put the phone down.
To turn the TV off.
To sit in silence that many of us now consider awkward.
Making space for the real.
The longer we cushion ourselves from this reality the more timid we grow towards it.
We are in essence, anti-socialising ourselves through cold emails, text messages, video chats and the superficial sharing of content via social media.
That is not to say any of these things are innately bad.
Technology is an incredibly useful tool.
However, we have allowed it to replace that which comes natural to us.
Outsourcing our faculties for real communication and connection to superficial versions.
Actionable Step: The beginning of reversing this outsourcing is simple. Reduce time spent making use of technological devices.
A strategy for doing this would be to observe one’s daily average screen time and set the goal to reduce this day by day.
Recently, a dear friend I met on my travels came to visit.
He stayed with me for 2 weeks in total.
During this time I realised something rather peculiar and significant.
In his company, my time spent on YouTube reduced to near zero.
Prior to his visit I would spend at least one hour consuming long form content.
Podcasts, educational videos, or entertaining content created by others as a means for passing time…
With the excuse of being productive or feeding my mind with useful information.
The truth is that social media platforms like YouTube, Instagram, TikTok and such, are the greatest contributors to our increased screen time.
If you wish to reduce the time spend with attention on screens and engage more in the real world, and by virtue reigniting an abundance of connection in your life, disengage from social media.
But which comes first?
Wholesome human connection or abstaining from social media use?
Both of these breed the other.
When we spend time with those we can relate with on an authentic level, where masks are not held up and truth is shown, there is a significant decrease in desire for such platforms.
Simultaneously, the reduction of time spent on social media, eyes up and not down in the world of the screen, invites more social interaction into our lives.
Have you ever been on public transport and noticed how socially closed everyone seems to be?
This could also include yourself.
Earphones in, eyes on the screen, head down…
This posture certainly does not invite others to engage with you.
Nor does it invite you to engage with them.
Therefore here is my suggestion for reducing the loneliness you feel in day-to-day life…
The best solutions are simple.
Actionable step: Allow yourself to be more approachable. Open yourself up to social interaction with people you either know or do not know.
Do this by disengaging from he phone screen, sitting upright, leaving the ear-phones or air-pods at home and leaving your channels open.
When you notice how socially closed off other people are, due to the blocking of technological stimulation you will realise how closed you have also been.
Open up, through ears, eyes, heart and body.
Some years ago I fully went hermit mode.
And not in the good way (which I will speak about soon).
Smoking weed from morning until night, binge eating sugar and junk-food, stuck in cycles of behaviour that left me in a continual loop of fear, guilt and shame.
I would isolate myself from others in order to continue engaging with the addictive patterns.
Sacrificing real human connection for a false simulation.
When I reflect on that time it is clear what was taking place.
Smoking and eating were an attempt to soothe myself.
Weed for many of us is used as a numbing agent or avenue into connection beyond the mind.
You see…
Technology abuse amplifies the mind, and it is the mind that cuts us off from real, moment-to-moment connection.
The ego…
The first time I ever smoked weed was an incredibly liberating experience.
No wonder I got addicted…
For the first time in my life I experienced silence of mind, a relinquishing of judgement and the ability to be myself without being critical of each and every move.
Judgement…
Can you establish connection with those you judge heavily?
Or does casting judgement only move you further away from those around you?
We can only connect and remedy our loneliness to the degree that we are able to let judgements go.
For me, and all of us in fact, this comes with releasing one’s judgements upon one’s self.
Wherever this habit of judgement has originated is unimportant.
The fact of the matter remains…
Judgement kills connection.
Judgement is the work of the mind, not the heart.
It is through the heart that we find connection that is real with ourselves and therefore others.
For the mind is concerned with the worldly.
While the heart is of the immaterial.
Note that here I am referring to one’s spiritual heart.
Call it…
The heart of hearts.
The first time I smoked weed I was bought into my heart.
Concerned not with the opinions of others.
Concerned not even with the opinions of my own mind.
I simply just was…
Flowing, expressing, without resistance, without judgement.
The issue here is that such substances remove judgement by force and therefore hinder one’s innate sense of discernment between right and wrong.
Such is why these are considered medicines to some and poisons to others.
For me, it reached the level of poison.
No longer serving a positive purpose but rather enslaving me in an endless pursuit of that liberation I once tasted.
Towards the end of my weed-addicted days I would only feel miserable when smoking.
The reverse was now the case.
Smoking weed no longer took me beyond judgement, it amplified it.
And that is why it is necessary to learn how to connect with one’s inner being, how to release judgements and move beyond the mind in a sober, clear state.
It is not as hard as you may think it to be.
However for as long as we have lived we have been encouraged to operate from this mind.
Why would it not then seem alien to do anything otherwise?
Do not think?
Do not judge?
For most of us unexperienced this is in fact frightening.
Yet the fact remains…
We crave the experience of inner-silence.
How can you have that which you desire if you both want it yet are afraid of it?
You must be willing to step into the dark…
For in doing so you may come to realise that the treasure you always sought, lay ever beneath your feet.
Actionable Step: Pick up a simple practice of Mindfulness-Meditation. You know you have been curious about this for some time, yet there is resistance.
That is resistance only from the mind. The mind is afraid of being moved beyond, for who are what is one without thought?
The answer to this is essence of remedying world-loneliness, yet it can not be found through words. It must be experienced and witnessed for oneself through the practice of inner stillness.
Start with 3 minutes, increase gradually, keep it basic, reach out if you want help with this.
Rooms full of people often feel lonely due to the absence of those who are connected to their Inner Being.
When I identify with my job, my body, my personality, likes and dislikes, this is all I have to bring to my relationships, old and new.
However when I identify with that which is beyond thought and form, I realise who and what I truly am.
When this is the case, I see that you and I are not separate at all.
Therefore what reason is there for me to protect myself from intimacy with you?
How can I not look myself in the eye? Whether that be in the mirror or through you?
This is only the case for those of us who have not yet established real connection with the Inner Being.
The formless aspect of who we are.
The essence that runs within us all.
Those who can not hold eye contact clearly signal that connection is lacking within and therefore without.
The better your relationship with Self becomes, the greater it is allowed with others.
For from this centre of formlessness there is no I…
There is only this…
Please excuse if this sounds a little abstract or fluffy…
Such ideas are useless when held only at the level of the intellect.
You must witness it for yourself.
How?
By first learning to move beyond thought.
And then by learning to recede with one’s awareness so deeply within that one ceases to exist as an isolated wave, realising one is the entire ocean instead.
“One sea (see), infinite waves” - Bradley & Usman
I think we underestimate the impact environment has on how we think, feel and behave in society.
Were we designed to live in such cramped conditions?
Buildings cover up the horizon, our view in the city goes no further than a few hundred metres at maximum.
We’re in a giant labyrinth…
No wonder so many of us feel trapped, stuck, alone and constricted.
There is no matter of Man vs. Nature… For we are nature itself. No different to the leaf, the tree, the blade of grass…
Just a different expression.
The animals are our brothers and sisters.
We are not separate to the greater whole…
Yet in the hustle of city life… it’s hard to feel that connection.
This is due in greatness to a way of life that lacks harmony with the natural way.
When the sun rises, so should we too.
When the sun sets, we should be readying for rest and sleep.
Yet seldom do we do so…
We stay up late into the night with eyes on screens that trick our nervous systems into believing the sun is still up.
Hormones are then knocked out of balance, which cascades into stress, anxiety and the inability to switch off from thinking.
School raises us from children into professional thinkers and doers.
Yet nobody teaches us how to feel or simply be.
Food is genetically modified, mass produced and sprayed with carcinogenic compounds…
If you wish to eat organic it’s going to cost an arm and a leg… in the city.
Growing your own food now is considered alien and a rarity.
I wish not to paint a depressing picture on where we have come to as human beings.
There are certainly, even within the city, opportunities for real and true interpersonal relationships.
However it is scarce.
Am I wrong to outline the many ways we have fallen out of harmony with the natural way?
Is it clear how such disharmony leads to disease, sickness, and chronic internal discomfort?
There was an experiment I once heard about.
Rats were placed in two environments, one wide and open with plenty of room to roam freely, the other similar to a battery chicken farm, with minimal space to even stretch one’s legs.
Similar to the London Underground tube system.
In both environments cocaine was supplied.
Where space was abundant, the rats ignored the cocaine.
In the other space however, the one intensely cramped, similar to our cities, the cocaine was used excessively.
Why?
One word…
Relief.
Even though we have access to everything we could ever wish for, living in secure, stable homes that are safe and warm…
We’re more addicted, lonely and sick in body and mind than ever before.
There is no time for authentic human connection.
Because we’re stuck in survival…
There is a deep internal discomfort within all of us…
And it is a product of the environment we call our home.
The city is not designed for natural thriving.
It is a place that breeds addiction, isolation and loneliness.
It is not natural to live in such a way.
And any dis-ease we experience in life is a product of moving away from what is natural.
It is normal to find a person incredibly self-centred when sick or in a state of survival.
For the priority is in fact just that… to survive.
When we’re in survival we care not for others but rather more for ourselves.
Therefore I encourage you to resent not those who tend to be self-centred.
For this is simply a by-product of their chronic survival state.
There was a time where I was struggling deeply with a “so called” incurable disease.
During that period I noticed how self-centred I became.
Concerned only with my own needs, for they were unfulfilled and one must fill one’s cup before flowing into others.
The issue we face in modern society is an issue of empty cups.
We are emptier than ever for reasons discussed in the previous section, living out of harmony with the natural order as well as lacking a sense of real, day to day fulfilment.
Fulfilment is a deeper topic we can not dive right into here,
However what we can say is that a significant part of our fulfilment comes naturally from meaningful, social connections.
Before it is possible to share our cup with others we must tend to our own needs.
This can be seen as self-centred or selfish, but it is rather selfless when practiced with others in mind.
I can give more to you when I take good care of my self.
If I neglect my own needs I am less of a service to you, and less available to others.
The survival state and doctrine of modern society is me-centred.
Meaning, one considers themselves more than others.
This again is only natural and a by-product of unmet needs.
When we begin to fulfil our needs by harmonising once again with nature as we were created to, we can then move into the more fulfilling, interconnected we-centred universe.
It is chronic me-centredness that is a primary cause of world loneliness today.
For when one considers themselves as an isolated grain of sand, they are denied the unity that comes with being part of the entire dessert.
There is no dessert without sand.
There is no ocean without droplets.
Therefore in reality we are all closely interconnected.
When I was addicted to smoking weed and binge eating, all day ever day, I experienced first hand what it means to create one’s own loneliness.
Through worshiping my own desires and being obedient only to my lower nature, I was severed from the collective and rendered lonely as a particle.
It was through sacrificing the desires of my lower nature and submitting to God, the creator of all worlds that my flame was rekindled.
God is the unifying force that connects us all. For that is where we all came from and that is where we shall all return.
When the ego runs the show, when impulses are repeatedly, compulsively obeyed, one is severed from the whole and placed in isolation.
My needs, my wants, my desires…
When that is the basis of one’s decision making process, there is no end but one that is lonely and meaningless.
When one considers the hole, one’s role in the family, society or greater collective, connection is made available once more.
I had to leave my addictions behind in order to be the man that I am to be.
Not only for my own self-centred experience of life being made more pleasant.
But so that I could give to my family, contribute to society, help other people and give more to those whom I meet on the path.
An empty cup has nothing to share.
One that is full is ready to spill over into the hearts of others.
Therefore if there is one pivotal remedy to world loneliness I would say that it is in detaching from one’s ego and establishing oneself within the heart.
For the ego is that which sees separate particles.
Where the heart instead sees continual waves and unity.
Thinking does not solve our problems, yet we have come to believe this through the ways of mind-oriented society.
Thinking does not yield answers, it is from he heart where they sprout.
Beliefs, identities, and labels we cast on things, others and the world all stem from the mind.
The heart does not believe, it knows instead.
To know is to transcend belief.
To centre within the heart is to move beyond preference, label and perception and to see reality for what it truly is.
Let me explain more.
The Mind Is The Obstacle
What is it that separates us most from other people?
It is the same thing from which separation has its origin.
The ego… or simpler put, the mind is the number one obstacle between ourselves and our Selves, and therefore between me and you.
Loneliness is the absence of connection, and true connection between Self and other is made possible first through connection to one’s own inner-being…
The heart is barricaded by the ego (the mind).
In order to connect to one’s inner-being and therefore establish real connection with others, one must learn to move beyond the mind.
This is not to say that the mind is bad innately, rather the mind is an incredible tool.
The issue is that the majority of us have not yet learned how to put the mind down when it is not called for.
Instead, everything we do, every moment we spend awake is lived from the mind.
Dysfunction is the result of this for the mind is a problem solving machine that continually generates more problems and solutions to no end.
If peace is something we desire dearly, we must then change our approach, for the generation of problems and supposed solutions will never get us there.
The mind is also useful in its ability to dissect and separate things and ideas down into smaller pieces.
The human being is deconstructed down into its individual parts.
These being the hands, arms, torso, head, waist, legs and feet.
Each of these becomes a small world of it’s own, able to be deconstructed further.
The hands break down into the fingers, thumbs, nails, knuckles, wrists etc.
Each one of these parts once again becomes a world of its own and can be dissected down further.
The splitting of objects down into smaller parts, for the purpose of understanding at deeper, more intricate levels…
This is the function of mind I am attempting to share with you.
All of creation is broken down into smaller and smaller worlds.
Humankind is one of those, within which reside nations, tribes, families and individual selves.
As the knife cuts deeper into detail, one witnesses a never ending expansion of worlds within worlds.
The same goes in the opposite direction, from the earth, to the solar systems, galaxies and beyond.
“As above, so below” - Hermetic Principles
There is no end within, and there is no end without.
The mind reaches is limits.
The spectrum of scale has the ineffable at both ends.
The mind can not fathom beyond a particular tininess, nor can it comprehend ultimate grandiosity.
It can not quite capture the essence of reality.
Infinite oneness…
Tell me, would it be possible to navigate this world with safety and stability if there was no notion of separation?
If I were you and you were me, and we were also one with the table, chair, and people passing by?
One may find it incredibly difficult to exist in this world if in such a reality.
And that is why the mind and its function of separation are in fact not only an obstacle, but also a gift.
Without separation I could not relate to you.
Love must move from one to another.
Without separation I could not speak and use language.
There would be nothing to say.
Human existence requires the mind in order to function with stability.
We are blessed with the mind, yet have fallen slave to it.
This wondrous tool must be put down when separation, dissection and analysis are not necessary.
It is more conducive to establishing real human connection to let the mind go…
To allow our loneliness to melt away in union with one another.
This is how we relate…
Through seeing me in you and you in me.
I see not so dominantly our differences but rather our similarities.
This is what brings us closer together.
I then feel connected, and so do you.
As opposed to the feelings of isolation, non-relatability and even threat that come with being overly concerned about our differences.
The ultimate similarity between us is our essence.
We share that with all of life and creation.
It is the divine spark within us all.
When I see that in you and you see that in me, we bring out the absolute best in one another.
It is relationships based in essence that are the most fulfilling of all.
I would argue that they are the second most valuable things to be experienced in this life.
The first being, direct connection to that divine spark within ourselves.
And how do we go about experiencing that?
Beyond thought and form, that is where you are, and that is where I am.
The mind, as mentioned can only comprehend to a level of granularity and grandiosity until it reaches it’s limit…
The ineffable, the true essence of reality.
It resides within us just as it resides without.
At the end of thinking… the end of mind.
Most people struggle to put the mind down due to an over-familiarity with thinking.
Once again this is because thinking is all most of us have ever known.
Anything other than thinking would feel too strange, too unfamiliar and even un-safe.
Yet it is within letting go of the mind that we are most at peace, most connected to ourselves and one another.
So I ask you…
Dear reader, “Do you wish to find the peace you long for? If you feel lonely, do you wish to remedy it once and for all?”
If your answer is yes, it is going to require you to move into uncharted territories.
Places you have not yet been before.
It’s going to require putting the mind down.
Even when you feel compelled to use it.
Many who attempt this without clear guidance get stuck in the never-ending cycle of attempting to gain control over thoughts and feeling defeated in their failure.
That is because control is not how we move beyond the mind.
Control is the mind’s game…
In order to move beyond the mind, we must be something other than the mind.
You can not out-think the thinker.
If I asked you to think of nothing, you would very soon think of something.
It is uncontrollable.
If I asked you not to think of a pink aeroplane, you would very soon think of a pink aeroplane.
Hey, you… “Don’t imagine an apple in the middle of your screen”
It’s hard to resist now… right?
Attempting not to think is the surest way to think.
A problem can not be solved from the same place which it was created.
The mind can not be released through using the mind.
We must find another way.
I prefer the term mindlessness to mindfulness.
In fact, if somebody hasn’t done so already, I’m going to coin that term.
We are not aiming here to be full of mind.
Rather the opposite.
Mind can not comprehend the ineffable, the essence, the reality of who and what we really are.
Comprehension of this is essential in establishing real, true connection between ourselves and others.
The key is in learning to be present.
For in the present moment, there is no thinking, there is no doing, there is only being.
I want to make this practical for you.
For I’m sure you’ve heard of the magic that resides within the present moment before.
How do you actually live more presently?
I have a currently two-part series on meditation that I encourage you to read, for it will give you a deep and detailed guide on how to access the present moment.
With practice, being present becomes your more default state.
Soon it is normal to be within the moment, un-reactive, here, now and sincere.
One is best at listening from a mindless place.
One is also best at communicating from such mindlessness.
For the mind tends to over-analyse…
It is overly concerned with what people will think, and therefore convinces us to be inauthentic as opposed to our real, true selves.
The key to being mindless is to switch from thinking to observing.
Observe your thoughts as though they are waves on the ocean surface.
They are not you.
They are from you…
The more we identify with our thoughts and confuse ourselves for them, the more thoughts we tend to generate.
Thinking about thinking about thinking…
Identifying with one’s mind is the surest way to perpetually reside within the mind.
However if you are not your mind and not your thoughts, then what are you?
This will become clearer with practice of observing thoughts objectively.
Let the thought come, notice it, witness it, and do not make anything of it.
Do the same for feelings.
Just witness, without label, without judgement and without preference.
This is harder than it sounds, which is why inner peace is so scarce, and loneliness so prominent.
Few are willing to put in the hard work required for the attainment of such treasures.
Peace and love…
They do not come without effort.
One must be wiling to detach from thought, feeling and even bodily sensation.
Don’t itch the itch, notice it…
Then notice the one inside of you that is so itching to itch the itch.
Such is an invitation to practice self-inquiry.
That which brings us into the essence of who we are.
Once a thought or sensation on the body is noticed and one is simply observing,
Inquire internally with the question, “by whom is this need to itch being noticed?”
“To whom is this thought being presented?”
“By whom is this feeling being noticed?”
Do not be mistaken like so many before you.
The verbal answer to these questions is useless.
That’s not what this is about.
Rather, I’m attempting to encourage movement in your awareness.
When I asked myself these questions for the first time many years ago, I experienced silence of mind and could not believe what I had stumbled upon.
If the mind is ever-thinking and never-ceasing, “What will it think next?”
In asking myself this question, I noticed my awareness recede up the stream of thought towards it’s origin in an attempt to find the source.
To my surprise, there was no answer…
Nothing but utter silence.
“What will the mind think next?”
If you allow your awareness to then go looking with sincerity and curiosity, you will reach the same point.
Nothingness…
No thought…
No mind…
Just as many of my students have experienced also.
You are not a special case.
Your essence is the same.
Beyond thought, beyond mind, beyond perception.
It simply is…
Read over this section again and promise me you will put it to practice.
Try even for a minute or so right here and now.
Notice your stream of thoughts…
Then ask internally…
“What will the mind think next?”
Do not answer with with words but rather seek to go and find.
Once you get it, you’ll know exactly what I have meant.
Practice residing within that space regularly, each and every day going forward.
The goal is to make that space your place of residency.
To pack your bags and move out from the mind, taking homage within your essence instead.
The place you spend most time, the place you tend to rest within, that will be your home.
The mind a tool, it is not your home.
Your essence makes a better place to reside, for it is where you are, what you are and always have been.
In this there is great liberation and potential for connection like no other.
The antidote for loneliness is in transcending the mind.
It is in mindlessness.
There is certainly more to explore regarding this topic.
However I have said enough for now.
There is work to be done.
If you wish to bring an end to your own chronic loneliness I suggest you take action on what you have read.
Begin simply by reducing the use of social media and technologies when unnecessary.
This alone will help you in reconnecting to yourself.
Such a reduction in screen stimulation will force you to open yourself up more to social interaction.
It will also encourage the partaking in activities that are much more in tune with human nature.
Reading, moving, resting, developing skills or simply being…
Keep it simple, spend less time on technology and witness the difference this will have on your life.
The interesting part comes when you realise how hard this is…
Reducing time on technology can turn out to be much more difficult than initially anticipated.
This will direct you towards the chronic internal discomfort so many of us are living with today in modern society.
And perhaps it will open your eyes up to the labyrinth analogy I used earlier.
We’re not design to live in such close quarters.
Community is necessary.
And space is too.
We’ll explore more in the next part.
I hope this has served you well.
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Stay sharp.
Usman