How Avoidance Is Killing Your Joy (And Peace)
I’m going to share a story from my life before returning to Islam.
With Allah as my witness, I share sins from the past not to boast, but so that you will know you’re not alone and be more open to the help I’m here to offer.
My second girlfriend was incredibly attractive.
Friends (at the time) would continually remind me of how hot she was.
Honestly at first it felt like a dream being with her. I couldn’t fathom how the insecure, chubby kid that was extremely under-confident with females managed to secure himself a solid, 9/10 blonde.
This is the story of how I learned two key, life lessons.
1 - Looks don’t mean shi*
2 - Avoidance is the destroyer of peace
One day while walking home from work me and an old friend decided to smoke a joint.
It was 11pm, the streets were silent and there wasn’t a soul to be seen.
Giddy as Fck, I was tripping on how the apple I held was the most delicious thing i’d ever eaten in my life.
Senses were heightened and the spiritual veil was thin.
This is where things started to take a darker turn…
Andy was going through therapy and I asked how that was going.
“Really good. Actually, we’ve been talking about how my anxiety is connected to the fear of death” he said.
He continued, “It’s like when I go to bed at night, i’m hit with this sense of overwhelming dread because i’m about to go into the void and I don’t know if i’ll ever return”
“Wow, that has to be the most fascinating fear I’ve ever heard of” I exclaimed, amazed and wanting to hear more.
We were passing a local pub, when a woman appeared seemingly out of nowhere.
Keep in mind the streets were empty and there was no-one else in sight.
“Excuse me” she said in a croaky voice.
“What was the fear you were just talking about?”
I glanced at Andy with a look of concern and caution. We were both tripping, sometimes weed can be psychedelic.
“Share if you feel ok, Andy” I said.
He nodded and told the woman what he had told me.
“I thought so. Can I tell you why I don’t fear death?” she said.
“Please” we both asked.
We couldn’t believe what was happening right now. This woman had just appeared out of seemingly thin air, it was 11:30pm and we were having a conversation in the middle of a deserted street about death…
The woman told us a story of how her the people she loved most all seemed to be dying one by one within a short space of time.
First there was her mother, then her best friend, then another, and another.
“People started calling me the grim reaper” she said.
She told us how on one day a box was delivered to her home by her auntie, after her mother had passed away.
That after taking them up to the attic, she opened the box and found clothes that used to belong to her deceased.
And that’s when she told us the bar of the night…
She said, “The moment I touched my mother’s old clothes I saw her outside the window looking at me. In that moment I knew she was ok. That she wasn’t suffering but she was finally at peace. From that moment I never feared death again”
Our minds were blown.
I asked for the woman’s name which I can’t remember now in this moment. However I do remember it having somewhat of a biblical tone and the word “Rose” included.
We hugged for a lengthy time and both thanked the woman for sharing her story with us.
While walking away, me and Andy both stopped.
“Bro! That was insane! I feel like that was a gift from God!”
Andy was speechless.
He couldn’t believe how a strange woman had just appeared and spoken to him about his most troublesome fear, the moment he began telling me about it.
We continued on for a while, still high and walking through the dark streets.
Andy stopped all of a sudden.
“Did you hear what she called herself?”
“No” I responded. I was so engrossed and (I admit) excited at the time that a lot of what she said went over my head.
“She called herself the Grim Reaper…” Andy added.
The moment Andy uttered these words I felt a deathly cold sensation move up my spine. My entire body felt freezing. I was in a state of deep fear.
“Let’s not go through the park today. Let’s take the streets” I suggested.
Our pace increased and we continued on until it was time to depart.
As soon as I was alone I called up the girl I was seeing at the time. (Remember, dream blonde everyone could not stop talking to me about).
I told her the story which seemed to help at the time. It was comforting to speak to someone and honestly I didn’t want to be alone.
Finally I reached my bed. It was impossible to fathom what had just happened. Something felt incredibly off, then I fell asleep.
The next morning my body felt like it was broken. I could hardly move a muscle and my head was banging like i’d never felt before.
Laying there in bed, attempting to muster up the will to get up, a thought entered my mind.
This was the thought that changed the course of my relationship and life.
“What if she’s not right for me” I thought.
This thought had come from nowhere. Our relationship was going great. The chemistry was hot, we had so much in common, and there was plenty of humour between us, not to mention how attractive she was.
“What if she’s not right for me” the mind uttered once more.
“Stop!” I thought back in somewhat of an attempt to ward one thought away with another.
The thought continued to repeat again and again.
My mind became plagued with the thought that the girl I was with was not right for me.
The idea of hurting her caused me so much pain. Things were going so well and this would break her I feared how it would damage her if I were to end things so suddenly.
Month after month the thoughts reoccured to the point were I was never present in the moment, not even with her.
We would share intimacy and I’d be thinking about how she might not be right for me.
Eventually my short term memory started to wain.
I became a forgetful, anxious mess. Too afraid to tell her about the thoughts I was having.
That I certainly did want to be with her, but I was struggling with this repetitive thought and had no idea why it was arising.
Previously when expressing vulnerability she had exploded in emotion and this left me feeling as though it was unsafe to be honest with her.
I hid my true feelings from that girl for the entire duration of our relationship (which lasted 2 painful years).
Through the act of avoidance by life had turned dark.
The relationship was becoming sour and I even began to develop an interest for other women.
It wasn’t fair. She knew something wasn’t right but never had to compassion to hold a space for me.
And I lacked the courage and honour to tell her what was going on…
Eventually I finally decided to tell her.
As you might expect, this brought our relationship to a bitter end…
This experience became one of the most pivotal points of my life. I learned lessons that have stayed with me until now.
Lessons that have allowed me to eradicate overthinking and obsessive, unwanted thoughts from my mind.
I thank you for taking the time to read the story I’ve shared.
As a gift, I want to share with you some actionable advice on how you can take the lessons from this story and apply them to your own life.
Here’s how to stop overthinking and feeling so anxious, especially when you know you’re avoiding something.
Do What You Know Is Right
Earlier on the relationship I’ve told you about, there were certain signs of incompatibility I chose to ignore.
For example, on one occasion, during a museum date I told the girl that I wished to go travelling in South-East Asia soon after we started dating.
She stormed off and I couldn’t believe what was happening.
Instantly I felt how clearly this behaviour wasn’t something I wanted to tolerate.
But I didn’t say a word…
I chased after her and took the bait.
This is a prime example of what happens when a person is not skilled or experienced in setting boundaries.
Ignoring that sign lead to serious problems down the line. If I had expressed how I felt sooner two things would have happened.
Either she would grow used to me expressing my honest truth, resulting in a sense of safety in being authentic and vulnerable with her.
Or the relationship would have ended right at the beginning, saving 2 years of suffering for both us.
I knew that a line had been crossed that day but I chose to ignore it.
Have you ever done the same?
This applies not only to romantic relationships but also friendships, professional relationships and so on.
It’s all well and good me telling you to “just set boundaries”, but what if that’s something you consciously struggle with?
That has been true in my case for so long.
Here’s what I would suggest.
Use writing as a way to articulate your words better, so that you might develop more skill in how you communicate.
Writing helps to take abstract thoughts / feelings and turn them into visible words.
Action Step: If fear is stopping you from communicating honestly, start writing in a journal or on your computer. Use this as a tool to help in articulating your words, views and wishes with more accuracy.
Once you’ve written out your thoughts and feelings you will have more clarity on how to go about approaching the situation that intimidates you.
Be warned however, preparation alone is not enough.
At some point or another you must face that which you fear.
Uncover The Underlying Fear
The experience with this previous girlfriend taught me so much.
The anxious, intrusive thoughts saying “what if she’s not right for me” weren’t necessarily intrusive.
In fact, I made them intrusive by not wanting to have them.
Why was that?
The thought of her not being right for me lead to other thoughts and images I feared seeing.
Telling her about my doubts.
Her getting upset as a result.
Feeling responsible for her pain and heart-break.
Shattering her (nice guy) image of me and potentially being seen as a “bad person”.
I’m better able to see the layers of fear now as I look back in retrospect.
My younger self would have benefited greatly from having somebody tell him what I’m telling you.
Quick Plug: If you want my personal help in destroying your most self destructive behaviour patterns from to root (so that they don't come back again later) you can now schedule a FREE 60 minute call with me.
In this call I'll help you get clear on what you want most in life, what's stopping you from getting there and what you can do right away to make significant, meaningful progress.
Back to it.
Action Step: Use your journal/ writing app to dig deeper and uncover the underlying fear beneath the obsessive/ intrusive thoughts you’ve been experiencing.
Begin with the thought or mental image that arises most frequently.
Ask “why does this trigger fear?”
And keep repeating until you hit the core.
Face The Worst Case Scenario
At the time of having the unpleasant thoughts I’ve mentioned, I would wake every morning with gut-churning anxiety.
Little did I know that this was self perpetuating.
One day I decided to stop running away from said thoughts.
I was tired of fighting with my mind and so I decided to let them in.
I sat, closed my eyes and watched the mental movie play out.
There was an image of me speaking to my ex-girlfriend, telling her how I felt and witnessing her in tears.
Although this was uncomfortable, I ceased any resistance and pushing away.
The mental movie continued playing out and I observed from a place that was no longer afraid of outcomes.
The pain of avoidance had grown so much that it was in fact more painful to remain the same than it was to change.
This is the point where change happens…
When the pain of remaining the same exceeds the perceived pain of making a change.
Read that again, and remember it.
The worst case scenario shone upon the screen of my mind and I allowed myself to see it as a possible future.
I saw her heartbroken.
I saw us no longer together.
But then something strange and unexpected took place.
Despite this incredibly undesirable outcome and how much fear I had been charging it with… I felt ok.
Why?
Because although I saw us no longer together, I then saw us further in time, living our lives separately having coped with the pain and finding joy once again.
In the end we would both be ok…
Things will be ok, even if the worst case scenario comes true.
If you can make peace with the worst case scenarios your mind keeps obsessively avoiding, is there anything left to fear?
Certainly not.
Action Step: Stop all activity (this is non-negotiable), sit with yourself, take deep breaths and allow your mind to go the places you fear most. Cease all avoidance.
Let go of all mental resistance. Keep allowing the story to unfold. See how regardless of the outcome, you and the people involved will be ok in the end.
Ultimately this is all we long to know.
That things will turn out ok in the end.
The fear we associate with certain thoughts all roots back to not believing that things will turn out ok.
We believe somewhere deep down that a particular outcome will shatter our lives.
That we will never recover from the pain and that we will be trapped in eternal suffering.
This is not the case, nor is it the truth.
All things pass, and The Sun will always rise again.
A final note on this point. In order to perform the action step and regain your inner peace, you absolutely must cease all activity when doing this practice.
Being in a state of “doing” will prevent your mind from going to the places it truly wishes to go to.
Stop “doing” and allow yourself to “be”.
Prioritise Honour
It took just 3 days to start feeling like myself again after we’d broken up.
The person I’d become was a stranger to who I really am.
This is what happens when we live a lie.
When we keep our true thoughts and feelings hidden and pretend everything is ok.
If things are not ok, they’re not ok.
What an injustice it is to both yourself and your loved one if you’re always wearing a mask.
When you hide your authentic self in relationship, the other person isn’t with “you”, they’re with a facade.
The problem with that is that when the facade peels away, the relationship will most likely end.
Why? Because they weren’t attracted to you in the first place. It is who they thought you were that they fell for.
After the break up I vowed to be the most honest person I knew on Earth.
I took this incredibly serious.
If there was something I felt strongly within my body, urging to be expressed I became skilled in doing so.
This opened up a whole new chapter of my life where I learned about courageous conscious communication and vulnerability.
I’ll give you some quick advice as we wrap up.
Be the first one to tell the truth. If you’re waiting for someone else to start the conversation, you might be waiting a lifetime.
Tell the truth, even if your voice shakes.
You deserve the peace of mind and lightness of heart.
Holding the truth in only chains the soul. It is a prison not worth living in.
So break free from the chains of dishonesty and be the most honourable person you know.
Action Step: Realise how much pain dishonesty and avoidance have caused you in your life. Make a vow to be the most honest person you know on Earth.
With great power comes great responsibility.
This is not for the feint hearted.
But it is incredibly rewarding and leads to some amazing life experiences.
The more vulnerable you are with others, the deeper connection you will establish with them.
Most of the time.
Summary
Promotion: If you want to master the art of being present, overcome your ego and live a 10 x more peaceful life, check out my meditation program “Alpha-Mind” here.
Promotion: If you’re sick, tired and fed up of self destructive behaviour patterns and are ready to get serious about winning back your self-respect read more about The Unchained Program and book a FREE 60 minute consultation.
Promotion: Learn to develop a consistent daily mindful movement practice so you can move pain-free, gain flexibility, regulate your nervous system and learn about Chinese health with The 5 element yoga program.
Free Guided Meditation: This was the practice I used for my first year of meditation. It took me from being anxious to being centred and I still use it today. (Click here to get it)
Free Diaphragmatic Breathing Guide: Learn how to breathe properly using your diaphragm, find instant calm and restore optimal organ function. This is a free extract from Alpha-Mind. (Click here to get it now).
Free Downloadable Habit Tracker: The secret to staying consistently disciplined is self accountability. Habit tracking was the jigsaw piece I was searching years for. Download yours now and get started right away.
If you don't want to buy any of my programs or enjoy the free stuff that's no problem too.
I'm grateful you read this far.
It means a lot, and I hope it served you in some way.
If there's someone you know that would benefit from reading this, please share it with them.
As always, stay sharp.
Usman
Who is Usman Ali?
When you're ready, here's how i can help you:
Create Long Term Life Behaviour Change
Behaviour change is a science. If you find yourself taking one step forwards and three steps back it's because you lack the tools I teach in my Unchained Program
Book a FREE Breakthrough Call
Take advantage of a free session with me and see if an experienced mentor is something you need in your life to embody the 2.0 (or next level) version of you. SLMASTERY coaching awaits...
Build The Habit of Daily Yoga
My 5 Element Yoga System fuses together ancient teachings from India & China.
Combine The 5 Chinese Elements & Hatha Yoga to build a consistent, balanced, beginner friendly practice.
No equipment or experience necessary.
The Minimalist Habit Tracker - Free
Habit tracking has changed my life, if you want to feel proud of the choices you're making, win back your confidence, make passive progress towards your goals and put an end to destructive mornings that breed guild and shame into your life... You NEED to be using this.