3 Steps That Helped Me Overcome Obsessive, Intrusive Thoughts
I know this is haram, and i’m not proud of it, but i’ve had a couple girlfriends in my life.
My 2nd one was the most beautiful, and therefore the most crazy.
At the age of 23 I was met with an incredibly difficult decision.
Move to Brighton and pursue this girl I was crazy about, or leave the UK and go travelling in South-East Asia for an undefined period of time.
Which one do you think I chose?
We all have to learn through being stupid don’t we… I chose the first option and moved to Brighton.
Do not be mistaken, as much as I judge my younger self in retrospect, there are many reasons why this was in fact the prefect path God had planned for me.
“Indeed He is the best of planners”
That relationship was honestly one of the most rocky periods of my life.
There would be consistent peace between us two for no longer than a week or 2 at a time at most.
Some drama was always popping off…
Honestly, the relationship, as much as I (thought) I loved her was seriously damaging to my mental health.
Why?
One reason being that if I ever wanted to express an honest truth about how I felt, it would on almost all occasions be met with an explosion of emotion.
Over time I became timid and afraid to speak my mind.
The result? A seriously unhealthy amount of emotional suppression.
I lost trust with myself and after 2 years of this I didn’t know who I was any more.
That’s what not speaking your mind can do to you…
It can make you numb to your inner-sense and intuition.
That is, the compass of your heart that guides you through life in the right direction.
Sometimes we have to get lost in order to be found.
That was indeed the case for me.
Long story short, I ended the relationship.
Just 3 days later I felt like I was remembering who I was.
That happy, adventurous, charismatic, confident young man.
Until things took a dark turn…
I returned home to my mothers house in Liverpool, UK.
One day while speaking with my older sister I mentioned what had happened.
Yes, I felt more like myself again, but I was still in pain over the loss.
“I don’t know why I broke up with her.”
“I don’t know if it was the right thing to do.”
“I’m so confused…”
My older sister jokingly replied, “I hope you’re not too confused…”
There was an implication underneath her tone.
Although she didn’t explicitly say so, my mind suddenly was sucked into a psychological black hole.
“What did she mean by that?”
“Oh no… did she mean what I think she meant?”
“What if…?”
“What if i’m turning gay…?”
This thought bounced around the walls of my mind from morning until night, every day for the most part of an entire year.
I kid you not.
11 months of prison within my own head.
For some reason I could not stop thinking “what if i’m turning gay?”
I began obsessively checking for signs.
Repeatedly looking at guys, even my own friends and asking myself “do I find them attractive?”
“What if i do find them attractive?!”
I’m hesitant to share this part because it might be a big too much…
But fuck it…
I even remember being on the train one time sitting in front of some guy I didn’t know and trying with all my strength not to look up at him.
My mind was saying “what if I look at him and get a boner?”
As much as this makes me laugh now, it was a living hell back then.
I was literally being bullied by my mind.
At the time I couldn’t see a way out of this torture.
There were moments where I even considered that maybe ending my own life was the only escape…
Thank God I didn’t commit such a foolish act.
I will tell you something…
The intrusive thoughts eventually went away.
Not on their own however. It took a lot of hard work.
This was one of the loneliest parts of my life.
I couldn’t say a thing to my family (South-Asian islamic households don’t talk about things like this).
I had nobody to turn to.
I didn’t know anybody in the islamic community that might have been able to help me.
I even tried searching Google to see if anyone had suffered with thoughts like these before.
That’s when I came across the terms Pure-O OCD and HOCD.
Pure-O is OCD that is purely in the realm of thinking. There are no compulsive external behaviours involved like switchings lights on and off hundreds of times.
HOCD is specifically defined for people who are obsessing over sexuality and the potential of turning gay…
Yes… this is how crazy the world is today. There’s a term to actually describe such a condition.
The most help I ever did receive was from a sweet woman I met in a Buddhist Monastery in Scotland called Holy Isle.
May Allah bless her for being the only support I had at the time.
We spoke a few times over online calls about what I was going through and although that provided a small sense of relief, it didn’t stop the obsession.
Scared of speaking to my friends about it, and scared of others might judge me for having such thoughts, I chose to do the majority of battling alone.
I can say now with deep gratitude that it’s been almost 10 years since that dark period of my life.
And I haven’t experienced those intrusive thoughts since.
Alhamdulillah (Praise be to God). This was surely a test that I did indeed pass with His help.
I’ve now even helped others overcome and find peace from intrusive thoughts. This is the meaning of suffering. I’m here to mine unique lessons from within the darkness and to share those lessons with others.
That’s your purpose too…
To turn your mess into a deeply impactful message.
If you’re wondering how I overcame these intrusive thoughts keep reading…
I’ll share exactly how I was able to break free once and for all.
This is how I finally found peace from the worst mental torment I’ve faced to this day.
If you’re struggling with something similar to what i’ve mentioned, know that you absolutely can break free.
OCD of any form is a habit, not an identity.
Starving The Gremlin
Obsessive overthinking can feel like a never ending battle.
A unpleasant thought arrises.
It sticks in the mind and repeats like crazy.
Then you try to push it away but it just keeps coming back.
This is exactly how I used to struggle.
I called it “sticky mind syndrome”. When one thought enters out of nowhere and doesn’t stop repeating.
For me, sleep was the only solace I could find.
Until I accidentally figured out how to break the cycle.
I remember the moment where every changed for me.
Instead of turning my attention away from the negative thoughts (out of fear of having them) I did the exact opposite.
Action Step: Turn your attention directly towards the intrusive thoughts that are bothering you most.
It helps to do this in a seated position with your eyes closed while doing nothing else.
Say “bring it on” and look the thoughts directly in the “eye”.
Do not fight…
Whatever the thoughts say, just say… “ok, cool”
Give no energy to the monster that has been born through trying to escape.
Do this properly and your mind will shut up.
The bully will finally see that it can no longer bother you.
This is how you start to take back your mind.
Crowding Out The Garden
If you’ve struggled with the same repeated, intrusive thoughts for some time now you’ve most probably established a strong habit.
Although it is important to stop fighting the mind, it’s also just as key to start crowding your mind out with positive/ empowering or holy thoughts.
For me, I chose to recite verses of The Qur’an from morning until night.
The goal was to replace the habit of intrusive thinking with the habit of reciting holy verses.
This takes faith and trust, for in the beginning there are no clear, measurable results.
I promise you this worked for me.
You have to channel your obsession to something else.
Action Step: Get obsessed with catching intrusive thoughts and re-directing them to prayers, verses from scripture, mantras, affirmations, or whatever else is easy to repeat and remember.
Eventually your thought space will clear up and expand.
One day, after struggling for months on end I was sitting on a train and noticed that my mind for once was not shouting inappropriate thoughts at me.
The gratitude and relief I felt in that moment was immeasurable.
To know that I was on the path to healing.
To know there was hope of regaining my sanity.
I’ll never forget how that felt.
You’ll get there too. I promise.
Address Your Core Wounds
As I’ve shared, my intrusive thoughts were based around sexuality.
“What if I turn gay?” Was the sticky thought that would never leave me.
I began to question why these thoughts were arising in the first place?
Why was I afraid of that potentially coming true?
This takes courage, for it requires entertaining the possibility that the thing you currently fear most could in fact come true.
It is helpful to understand that Magical Thinking is a myth.
Just because you think of something does not mean that it is going to become true.
Why? Because you can always think the opposite.
You can always change the thought.
You’re not doomed because you thought something.
A thought can not seal your fate.
Snap out of it.
Back to the point…
When I began looking deeper into the origin of these intrusive thoughts I discovered something interesting.
There was a memory that came back to me from my childhood.
A moment where I remember my mother telling me that if I were to ever come out as gay, that I would be disowned.
This memory had been stored in the back of my mind.
I had completely forgotten about it.
During my islamic upbringing it was also mentioned several times how homosexuality was one of the gravest sins.
So not only did I have the belief that homosexuality meant going to Hell. I believed it meant that I would be abandoned and outcast from the family too.
When our core needs (like a sense of belonging, tribal association and family) are threatened (or appear to be threatened) this puts us into a state of survival.
Even of thought of turning gay, proposed implicitly by my sister when she said “I hope you’re not too confused” was enough to trigger this mode of fight or flight.
For if that were to be true (to my psyche) I would lose my home, family and would end up the infinite torment of Hell…
Action Step: When intrusive, fearful thoughts arise, inquire into what you’re really afraid of. This will lead you to deep, unconscious beliefs and fears.
Clarify and update your beliefs through study, reflection and speaking trustworthy people.
In my personal case, it was a great help to clarify the nature of sexual preference.
“Sexuality is a spectrum, not a binary straight or gay”
Understanding this made it clear that it was impossible to all of a sudden flip into homosexuality, never being able to return.
I’m aware that rationality doesn’t help with intrusive thoughts all the time.
What I’m referring to here is updating your unconscious beliefs by seeking to clarify them.
The belief I held that my thoughts would manifest my reality (from The Law of Attraction) also needed an update.
I realised that magical thinking is a problem and although there is truth to be found, it is also very misleading.
If I think I’m going to turn gay all of a sudden and then think the opposite, which one will come true?
Finally, my belief about going to Hell was updated when I reflected upon Allah’s Mercy.
In a religious upbringing we often hear about God’s Wrath and Judgement more-so than His Love and Mercy.
When I reflected on this, read the Qur’an and realised how much greater Allah’s Mercy is than his Wrath, I knew I was going to be ok.
So, uncover your unconscious fears and beliefs.
Then seek to clarify and update them with objective research and reflection.
Get Into Your Body
Those mornings where I would wake up with the same, repetitive, dread-invoking thoughts were the hardest.
I would lay in bed for hours after waking, cycling over intrusive thoughts.
This never helped.
Movement was my refuge.
Adding exercise into my morning routine changed the game.
It gave me time to immerse within the body and be free from thinking.
If you don’t have a morning routine, centre it around exercise and also include some meaningful work that will bring your mind into focus.
Keep it simple.
Movement/ Meditative Practice: For me, I chose Yoga & Callisthenics as my movement practices.
Yoga is especially helpful because it is supposed to be done meditatively.
When you practice Yoga properly, it’s hard not to melt into a state of deep inner peace.
Yoga does not need to be an act of worship (if you’re concerned about that).
Some Islamic scholars so it is prohibited, others say it is not.
It's important to learn how to think for yourself.
Yoga can simply be a practice for physical and mental well-being.
Combining breath, awareness and postures you immerse yourself in the present moment.
Coming out of the head and into the body.
Do what works for you.
Note: As I write this, I’m currently applying principles from Yoga & Meditation (known as Khushu in Islam) to my Islamic prayers and it’s changing the game completely.
Prayer is supposed to be meditative, not robotic…
"Diving into the present moment, one does not feel the passing of time” - Usman Ali
Meaningful Creativity - Every morning I write and work on meaningful projects.
These are projects centred in my passion and interest to help others solve problems I have already overcome.
When I create, my mind is focused and centred.
Action Step: Add movement and meaningful creativity into your morning routine.
Choose whatever movement you prefer or know would help you focus the mind. The same goes for creativity.
Prioritise what works over what you prefer.
Learn to love the struggle.
As for creativity, this could be a project you’ll one day monetise, a side-business, or simply a journalling practice.
Again… find what works best for you.
Yoga was best for me.
Islamic prayer and callisthenics are now what work best.
And working on my business, writing and coaching students is what I do for meaningful work.
Summary
I hope this was helpful for you.
If I could break free out of the hell that was OCD so can you.
Trust me… I thought death was the only escape.
But now I’m here giving you advice.
Ponder on that…
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And if you don’t want to buy anything I still appreciate you for reading all the way through to the end.
Bless up,
Stay sharp,
Speak soon.
Usman
Who is Usman Ali?
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